Week #1 - NCAA Ruminations: Norm Style

CHEERS IS ON ON-DEMAND

Yes, you read that correctly. Julie and I discovered that Cheers is available on-demand. We took full advantage until the two child coughing hurricane of the infant September 2013 struck. That said, Cheers is arguably the best sitcom of all-time (yes, it gives Seinfeld and All in the Family a run for the money). So, in celebration, I give you, NCAA Ruminations for the first week of the college football season - Norm Style!

Woody, "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" Norm, "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

Frank Beamer was the architect of Beamerball, the wholly aggressive brand of defense and special teams that produced touchdowns when the offense couldn't. When he really had it clicking though, VT had plenty of offense - people like Michael Vick, Bryan Randall, and a few others could move the ball. Nowadays, a solid offensive performance by the Hokies is as rare a sighting as a disciplinary suspension on an Urban Meyer football team. The drop in the Hokie's win production isn't JUST that the offense is moribund. It's also that the thing we knew of as Beamerball no longer exists. This from the man that almost single-handedly convinced college football coaches that they might want to give a little P time to special teams. One guy that got that message was Nick Saban - who seemed to struggle with teaching the master...

Saban: "I can't even look at you anymore."

Christian Jones, of Bama, scored on a punt return, a kick-off return, and a reception. (Vegas had his line at -9 so he covered!) That kind of thing was unfathomable back in the day. Nowadays, just another drop in the bucket full of Hokie pain.Knowing that the defense held up it's end of the deal (less than 100 yards on the ground for the Tide), it's tough thinking that this game could have been so much closer - not that anyone was really expecting a win. A lot of people, including our own rookie player RASTAZOMBIES-WALKING DREADS, interpreted Frank Beamer's somewhat subdued demeanor as a sign that retirement should not be too far off. Not that unimaginable really.

Sam, "What's new Normie?" Norm, "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

I'm having a hard time deciding if I disdain Johnny Manziel because of his cocky ways or if I love him because he makes the NCAA look like the collection of toothless buffoons that they are. In weighing all the evidence, I'm going to stick with loving the guy. Not only does he give a perpetual bird to the NCAA powers that be, but he also seems to have his act together both on and off the field:

Hard to argue with success

Sam, "What'll you have Normie?"Norm, "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."

Did anyone notice that one SEC struggled to be, well, SEC-like? The University of Kentucky Wildcats, with its newly minted coach, Mark Stoops (he ain't no Bob), were put down by their in-state rival Loui...no wait, WESTERN KENTUCKY. The Wildcats were handled and the Hilltoppers offense lit them up. THe architect of that Western Kentucky offense? Non other than....

MY MAN! Bobby P.

Coach, "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"Norm, "Like a baby treats a diaper."

Georgia WR Malcolm Mitchell (#26) tore his ACL and is out for the season. The injury was sustained when he chest bumped his teammate, Todd Gurley. He doesn't fall immediately afterwards but the damage was done.

Woody, "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" Norm, "Poor."Woody, "I'm sorry to hear that." Norm, "No, I mean pour."

Clemson's wunderkind offensive coordinator Chad Morris took the opportunity of his team's fantastic opening season win against Georgia with this nugget of professionalism: ''We can play faster. Tajh slowed us down a whole bunch. That was some of our biggest downfalls...' Really, your historically washrag team took down a top five SEC team and you want to play the "we could have been better" game. Let's look at Boyd's numbers real quick - 

18 for 30, 270 yards, 3 TDs and no INTs. PLUS 42 yards and 2 more touch downs on the ground. 

How 'bout easing up a shade Vince Lombardi?
Throw the kid under the bus why don't you?

Sam, "What's going down, Normie?"Norm, "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

Speaking of going down? How about going down to slow Clemson's roll?!?!

Woody, "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."Norm, "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."


I guess I have to finally relent and call the old D1AA the "FCS", whatever that stands for - seriously, I refuse to look it up. Well, I have to relent because I must talk about a LOT of FCS teams that cleaned house on the big boys! Don't you little fellas know how to be good guests? Take your check and your pummelling and hurried along now! What's this?
North Dakota State beat Kansas State, last year's Big 12 champ.
McNeese State beat South Florida like a drum
Towson beat UConn, who might be missing Skip holtz, finally.
Northern Iowa knocked off Iowa State (Way to represent Big 12!)
and, last but certainly not least, Eastern Washington outdueled #25 Oregon State!

AND THERE WASN'T AN ACC TEAM ON THE LIST THE CHORUS REJOICED!
Seriously, this is quite a feat for the little guys considering that only once in a SEASON have more FCS teams beaten BCS teams. In reading up about the carnage I saw this little nugget too - FCS teams get 20 scholarships - BCS teams get more schollies for managers, I think.

Well that's my very quick and brief read on the first weekend of what I hope will be a magnificent season - they all are. Work calls - blech! In the meantime, because I love them so much, here are some more Normisms:

Sam, "Beer, Norm?"Norm, "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

Woody, "What's the story Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

Woody, "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

Coach, "Whatcha up to Norm?"Norm, "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

Sam, "How's life treating you Norm?"Norm, "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

Sam, "Looks like beer, Norm."Norm, "Call me Mister Lucky."

Sam, "What'd you like Normie?"Norm, "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

Sam, "What's shaking Norm?"Norm, "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

Norm, "Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

Woody, "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

Sam, "What's the story Norm?"Norm, "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

Woody, "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

Woody, "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "A little early isn't it, Woody?"

Woody, "For a beer?"Norm, "No, for stupid questions."