Week #5 - NCAA Ruminations

You can't spell "DEFENSE" without SEC. See? There's an "S", and an "E" and a...wait a minute

OK - in Tuscaloosa, they may have righted the ship, defensively speaking, having posted a shutout over #21 Ole Miss and Florida is still hanging it's minuscule hopes of anything on a defense that is about the only positive on the team but the rest of the league looks positively charitable. South Carlolina gave up 25 to Central Florida. Tennessee gave 24 to South Alabama?!? LSU 44 to Georgia and Georgia 41 to LSU. Texas A&M gives 33 to Arkansas which gave 45 to the Aggies. Mizzou gave lowly Arkansas St 19 and Vandy gave UAB 24. That's a lot of points for a league that made its bed on stout defenses during its existing 7 year title run.

Lane Kiffin Watch

Mainly because I'm fascinated by the story. The Lane Kiffin led USC Trojans lost to Arizona State by the score of 62 to 41. This is noteworthy not only because it puts the Trojans in an 0-2 hole in the PAC12 standings but also because it now stands as a game tied for the single most points given up by USC in the school's illustrious history. I still wonder if he'll make it through the season. Of course, if he doesn't and knowing his luck, he'll land another NFL gig - Dan Snyder - I'm looking your direction.

Editor's note: The preceding paragraph was drafted at 6:30 in the morning Sunday, about an hour before the news came out about Lane Kiffin's termination.

OK, so he got the boot. Reportedly, this was decided in the 3rd quarter and the news delivered after the plane landed in Los Angeles. I imagine the conversation started like this, "Hey Lane, remember how you left Tennessee in the middle of the night? Well, this is really kinda funny when you think about it..."

Ed Orgeron, architect of the defensive line that just got plowed for 62 points, is the interim head coach - I'm sure that will work out just fine.

Ranking the Rankings

There are eight one loss teams in the top 25. The rest of the bunch is undefeated. Of the eight one loss teams, six are SEC teams, five of whom sit at 18 or or higher and three of whom sit in the top 10. It is hard to really say much is wrong this early in the season but, history would suggest, that with any other league, a loss early on is more damaging. Georgia is sitting at six, just three spots behind Clemson, to whom the Dawgs lost in the season opener. Texas A&M and LSU, who lost to the #1 and #6 team, respectively, sit at 9 and 10, ahead of, among others, Oklahoma, UCLA, and Miami. Again, none of those rankings are criminal but they are evidence of the skew provided by preseason rankings.

The real odd one is Baylor. The Bears have only played three games to date, while most have played four and many have played five. Based on the considerable strength of victories over, in order, Wofford, Buffalo, and LA Monroe, they merit a #17 ranking. Mmmmkay.

Odds and Ends

There are 11 winless teams through Week #5. Six of them reside in equals amounts between the American Athletic Conference (home of Louisville) the Mid American (home of no one of consequence.) 

The Legends division of the Big 10 doesn't have a single team with worse than a one loss record.

Oregon has not scored less than 55 all year - which they scored yesterday against Cal, after clearly letting off the gas. Colorado is on the Ducks schedule for next week. Colorado gave up 24 to Central Arkansas and 44 to Oregon State = oh boy.

Virginia Tech donned these beauties Thursday night against GT...

I don't think this had the impact the designer hoped for

Here's a headline I bet you never thought you'd see: "Miami QB Morris: USF dirty team"

Week #5 - Results

Overview

Sad news to report. We lost a player. Hate Bill for Making Me Do It submitted his resignation via text after last week's results were posted. While the reason given was for "lack of juice", I have to wonder if the shine was off the past champion's apple (two time title holder no less.) Did he not have the energy? Was the challenge simply not there anymore? Did the ever growing streak of years without a Superbowl title in Foxboro finally shake his faith in football? Only time will tell. Alas, our designated charity will not receive the originally forecasted $500 but the slightly lower, yet still hearty, $475. So to thee, past champion, I bid the fair winds and following seas.

Now, onto the action...

Movers and Shakers

BK All Day was clearly shaken when he was removed from the top spot last week by SUCFP. His response? Did he quit? NO. Did he recoil in fear? NO. He came back with the week's best performance in the pool with 11 points out of a possible 15, which was really a possible 13 since we had two pushes on the week. Not only did BK All Day take the top spot, he gave himself a cushion of two points. Last week's top spot holder, SUCFP, faltered a little with an 8 point week. Not horrible but not enough to remain comfortably on the throne.

On the negative side there were a handful of shaky performances with GoTerps laying a 6 point week and RastaZombies-WalkingDreads going with 7. After that, everyone was 8 or better, which is a plus 50% week so not too shabby.

Best Pick Award

Fat Little Girlfriends and Boardwalk Empire (who lives on this list) with Central Florida.

Worst Pick Award

Boardwalk Empire (who also lives on this list) with South Florida.

Stat of the Week

We have not had one week out of the five when two or more people shared the best week performance. Thus far, only one person, each week, has bested the field. BK All Day has done it twice in the short span with best weeks in Week 2 and 5. Other Best Week title holders are Fat Little Girlfriends, Boardwalk Empire, and Ultimate Bill. 

Charity Spotlight

CHARITY SPOTLIGHT

CHARITY: Food Gatherers

SPONSORING PARTICIPANT: A2Boiler

On the web: http://foodgatherers.org/

What It Does:

As the food rescue and food bank program serving Washtenaw County (Michigan), Food Gatherers exists to alleviate hunger and eliminate its causes in our community.

Week #4 - Results

Overview

Well, I finally came uncorked and went about actually picking winners this week. Yes, it is true, Ultimate Bill had the most points. Sure, it took a week with 5 off games of monumentally unbalanced proportions but still, I'm fairly proud of myself. Don't worry, I won't let it go to me hea....

KNEEL BEFORE ULTIMATE BILL!

Movers and Shakers

Joining me in the awesome category was Holy Mackeral V and SUCFP - the females are representing (well, except for Whoshuregirl and ILLHAVEANOTHER)! With her big week, SUCFP takes the top spot from BK All Day who falls into a second place tie with August DayStrippers. Holy Mackeral V jumped from 11th to 4th place with her big week.

Fat Little Girlfriends and Hate Bill For Making Me Do It had some wild Friday nights - at least I suspect as much, because they didn't bother to make their picks. Well, Fat Little Girlfriends came to for the late afternoon action. I guess all those off games just weren't challenging enough. Interestingly, both players were in 11th after Week #3. Since he decided to play at least a little, Fat Little Girlfriends only fell 6 spots to 17th while Hate Bill For Making Me Do It fell to the cellar, unseating Peter Pantsless, a fellow week skipper, from the lowliest of lowly positions.

Best Pick Award

Holy Mackeral V and Augusta DayStrippers for Texas State.

Worst Pick Award

Boardwalk Empire and Ver1010 for Arizona State.

Stat of the Week

Augusta DayStrippers and BK All Day are the only players to have scored in double digits every week so far. 

Week #4 - NCAA Ruminations

405 to 20

This was the collective score between six of the top 25 teams this weekend against their "competition." Don't believe me? Take a look:

Yes, I had to spreadsheet that travesty. Look, I get it. The little guys need a payday, but who gets ANYTHING out of these games? I know Ohio is the eight circle of Hell and I know there isn't a lot to do, but couldn't 90,000 people find something better to do than watch that? Same goes for all the other schools but Miami, because you know no one showed up to that anyway. True Story: Louisville/FIU went with a running clock starting late in the third quarter! When you are instituting PeeWee footbal rules, something is amiss. That said, Miami and Savannah State agreed simply not to play the last three minutes by going with a 12 minute fourth quarter. Why just three minutes?

Oh - and I'm not even counting UCLA with New Mexico State because New Mexico State, a 59-13 loser, is allegedly a Bowl Subdivision member school.

Speaking of Louisville

Because, you know, EVERYONE is talking about them because of Teddy "Going to the Jags" Bridgewater and his magic arm. I HAVE to ask a question. Yes, I know Louisville blasted Florida in last year's Sugar Bowl, and returned Sir Magicarm, but can anyone explain the #7 ranking, that is sure to climb with what has to be the sorriest excuse for a schedule in the Top 25, and beyond. After slumming through the opening weeks of the season with Ohio, Eastern Kentucky, Kentucky, and FIU, the Cardinals get to feast on the "American Athletic Conference" - i.e. - the Big East Escapee Conference. This solid collection is adorned with the likes of Temple, UCF, South Florida, Rutgers (standing by until Big 10 glory awaits in 2014), Memphis, UConn, and the reasonably competitive Houston. I bet you didn't know it was THAT bad did you?

Around the World

Since the Top 25 slate was paltry, at best, let's take a look at the rest of the NCAA world shall we?

Most Perplexing

Maryland 37 to West Virginia's 0. In a battle of the highest concentration of battery throwing fans in NCAA Football, Maryland absolutely pantsed West Virginia in Baltimore. Granted, West Virginia weren't exactly world beaters, having squeaked by William & Mary to open the year but they held tight with Oklahoma and seemed on track with a pummeling of Georgia State. Maryland was undefeated going into this game but the record was suspect with wins over the aforementioned FIU, Old Dominion and winless UConn. Believe me, there is no love lost in the Ultimate Bill household for West Virginia so I'm tickled pink but still.... (as an aside, the ACC won every single non-conference game this weekend - a first since oh...the last time they scheduled so many crappy teams.)

Most Satisfying

USC 17 to Utah State's 14. At home, USC barely made it past lowly Utah State (the second of two Mountain West teams on the Trojan's schedule.) This is satisfying because it is yet another notch on the "Lane Kiffin is the worst coach ever to stand on a sideline" bed post. Seriously, with all the talent in USC's locker room - and I'm not talking about the Song Girls - 

Gratuitous Picture for Gratuitous Reference

all that talent - and this is the best Lane Kiffin can do? USC should Louisville/FIU Utah State. He is SO BAD. Tennessee STILL hasn't recovered from the one year stink he put on that program. His days have to be numbered. Just ask the student body:

Not a photoshop

Most Surprising

Rutgers 28 to Arkansas's 24. I know. I know. Arkansas is a mess but this is Rutgers! Perhaps the Razorback's diminutive 10 point margin of victory over Samford two weeks ago was a sign. Next up for the Hawgs? Texas A&M. Yikes. 

Most Entertaining

Pittsburgh 58 to Duke's 55. I didn't actually watch it but it had to be. These weren't junk touchdowns either. Duke came within 7 with 5 minutes left.

Least Entertaining

Virginia Tech's 29 to Marshall's 21. I didn't actually watch it but it had to be. THREE overtimes with no score until the end. This came one week after the Hokies plodded to a 15 to 10 win over East Carolina. On the plus side, Logan Thomas has improved from his week one 19.2% completion rate against Alabama. In the dictionary, next to offense, Frank Beamer sees a picture of a three toed sloth.

For realz

Quick! Name the only undefeated team in the SEC East!

That's right - Missouri. Of course, Missouri has yet to play an SEC team but still.

Quick! Another question

Can anyone answer why UMass is playing Bowl Subdivision football? Anyone? I'd ask the same about Purdue but the Boilermakers have been doing it for a while.

CHARITY SPOTLIGHT

CHARITY: YWCA of White Plains (New York)

SPONSORING PARTICIPANT: Goblue

On the web: http://www.ywcawhiteplains.org/index.html

What It Does:

Goblue tells me "My charity will be the YWCA in White Plains.  Our youngest will start attending day care at the Y in Sept and our oldest will attending before school and after school events each day at the Y.  They have a lot of programs for women and kids that don't have the financial means that many of us that participate in the pool have.

The Week #3 All in One

It's been a busy 10 days in the Ultimate Bill realm. For that, I've been slacking in my content creation. I was even called on that point by RastaZombia-Walking Dreads. I'm not one for making excuses (who am I kidding, yes I am) but I've forked over for a new roof, new AC unit, and new irrigation pump for my house in a span of 5 days. I imagine this is what Georgia State will feel like after squaring off with Albama this weekend. Believe me my faithful followers, I meant well...I even drafted a Head vs. Heart preview analysis for the game of the season last weekend - Johnny Football vs. The Tide. I even had a picture of a cryin' Tim Tebow worked in there but I couldn't close in time. RastaZombies was disappointed to learn he wouldn't get the crying Tebow. Fear not Rasta, here's your picture:

"Don't worry Timmy, you and Aaron Hernandez will be best buds forevah!"

Note to Tim Tebow. This is what you liked after losing to Alabama. If I had to guess, Johnny Manziel probably hopped in a newer Mercedes, dropped a dime at a nearby casino, signed a booster's hat with "Dear Old Dude with Money, thanks for the dough!", and spent the evening with 3 or 4 Crimsonettes of his choosing - because that's how he rolls.

Johnny Football: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, Yes, No, No, Yes."

Giving credit where due, Show Me the Money has the single best strategic suggestion I've ever heard for my hometown Jaguar squad. Sign Tebow and draft Manziel and watch the fire and water combo for all it's worth.

As for the game - two takeaways. Johnny manziel might be a little reckless with the ball but he has stones - serious stones. He shredded Bama like it was a high school team and the pick six he gave up, the difference int he game, was not his fault. He was all entertainment. McCarron was, as usual, efficient and effective - like toast. Looking at the young season and the defending champ, it's hard to say what the Tide really is. The offense looked containable against Virginia Tech. The defense looked beatable against A&M. Special teams are out of this world. The schedule though, is light for a while - probably until LSU strolls into town. I think the Tide remains a mystery.

On the other hand, Oregon is no mystery. It's the same lethal killing machine it has been for a while. And this time is plied its wares on SEC turf. Tennessee isn't what it once was but what Oregon did to the Vols isn't something you are going to see an SEC team do.

The Results

Overview

BK all day holds onto the top spot for the second week running while I have locked in 19th place, at least until Peter Pantsless catches me (I hope I never say THAT in real life.)Despite missing a week, Peter Pantsless is two point behind me. I swear I watch NCAA football. I'm just an idiot - apparently.

Movers and Shakers

Augusta DayStrippers makes a big jump from 9th to 2nd with a 12 points. but Boardwalk Empire was the really big mover, going from 16th to 5th with his week's best 13 points. On the down side, A2 Boiler dropped 6 spots to 15th after forgetting to pick the early games (and he still only had one fewer than me.) Fat Little Girlfriends took a huge plunge from 2nd to 11th with a tepid 6 point performance.

Best Pick Award

Boardwalk Empire and BigOrange with Vandy.

Worst Pick Award

GoBlue with Tulsa

Stat of the Week

A week after everyone in the pool scored int he double digits, only  7 players out of 20 did.

Special News Feature!

As you may have heard, Deadspin was tipped about an audio recording of me taken prior to an interview regarding the opening of the 2013 BUCFP Season. If I offended anyone with what I said, I apologize. This, off the record but sincere, remark in no way reflects how I sincerely feel. Int he interest of disclosure, I've provided the transcript for you hear - I don't want you to read some scribe's interpretation - I want you to read the real thing:

Transcript: Bill Sorenson August 22, 2013, 3:42PM

Interviewer: We'll be on in three minutes.

Bill Sorenson: What are we talking about?

Interviewer: Bill's Ultimate College Football Pool

Bill Sorenson: What?

Interviewer: BUCFP

Bill Sorenson: OH! ok.

Interviewer: Nice weather huh?

Bill Sorenson: Yes. Wisconsin sucks.

Interviewer: That's not what I asked.

Bill Sorenson: Oh. They do suck though.

Interviewer: Have you ever won your pool?

Bill Sorenson: Do you actually want me to sit here and conduct and interview with you?

Interviewer: Yes, of course.

Bill Sorenson: Then don't ask me stupid questions like that.

Interviewer: Sorry. Two more minutes.

Bill Sorenson: Fine.

Interviewer: I heard some of your participants were complaining about the registration process.

Bill Sorenson: It took everything in my power to not say, ‘**** you, players. **** all of you.’ **** ‘em.”

“Our players. What a bunch of ****ing fair-weather ****ing—they can all kiss my *** out the ****ing door. ‘Cause the day is ****ing coming now. We’ll see what they can do when I’m ****ing gone. I’m so ****ing ****ed off.”

Interviewer: I meant they were complaining about Yahoo!'s process.

Bill Sorenson: Oh....ummm...well I meant to say our player's are great. This was off the record right? Right!?!?

Interviewer: 3 minutes are up. Time for the interview.

CHARITY SPOTLIGHT

CHARITY: Georgia Southern Athletic Foundation

SPONSORING PARTICIPANT: Augusta DayStrippers

On the web: http://www.ringsanddiplomas.com/

What It Does:

The Georgia Southern University Athletic Foundation supports every student-athlete’s quest for an athletic ring and a diploma by funding scholarships for all 16 Georgia Southern varsity sports.

Week #2 - NCAA Ruminations

Freaky Friday

Well, Friday wasn't freaky actually but I like I like pop culture references and alliteration so I chose to stick with the 1976 Jodie Foster vehicle (NOT the Lindsey Lohan one - do you think I'm some sort of animal?) Saturday was certainly freaky in that some conferences pulled the old switcharoo, much like Jodie Foster and Barbara Harris in that timeless comedy romp. See, if I didn't know any better, the SEC East went all Pac 12 on us. To wit, Georgia, in the span of two games, scored 76 points AND gave up 68. If you told me that a team would do that I would have guessed, with near certainty, that its campus was situated somewhere far west of the Mississippi. That said, west of the Mighty Mississip' you'll find the campus of the University of Southern California which plodded its way to a loss against Washington State, scoring only 7 total points in the process. Mike Leach, architect of the Texas Tech run and fun offense a few years back and prior to Craig James' meddling, went thoroughly SEC on the mysteriously still employed Lane Kiffin.

In other freaky news, the ACC has scored two big wins over SEC teams this year, with Clemson downing Georgia last week and Miami taking out the completely inept Florida Gators in week #2 (way to slack off on your end of the deal Hokies!). On that note, here's a letter to Will Muschamp:

Dear Coach Muschamp;

I'll make this brief. You are the coach of the UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA. You play in the SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE. The UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA is a big player in the SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE. The SOUTHEASTERN CONFERENCE has more money than 92% of all of the countries in the world. Money actually rains down upon you in volumes of Biblical proportions. Your conference has won the LAST SEVEN NATIONAL TITLES and the UNIVERSITY OF FLORIDA won TWO OF THEM.

Jeff Driskel is the best you can do at quarterback?

Love,

Ultimate Bill

This is a Dojo. This ain't no knitting class.

True story. I was entertained to the core after watching Hate Bill for Making Me Do It, re-enact the entire encounter between Mr. Miyagi and the Kobra Kai Sensei from Karate Kid. I will cherish that moment for ever. Tonight, I was flipping channels because, quite frankly, watching Tony Romo do anything on the football field makes me want to throat punch him. On some channel was Karate Kid. What are the lessons to be learned from this cinematic masterpiece?

1. If a dopey kid gets his arse kicked enough times, you can get him to do all of your housework.
2. I'll get back to you on this after I find that kid somewhere in Jacksonville. I've got bare spots in my lawn that ain't just gonna sod themselves.

This brings me to my point - the arse kicking. They were handed out in good measure yesterday.

• BYU racked up 679 total yards, 550 of them on the ground, against Texas. This was the most ground yardage given up by the Longhorns in their entire history. Knowing what we know of BYU, wouldn't it be awesome to think that at halftime, Coach Bronco Mendenhall (seriously, how football is THAT name?) said the following:

Coach Bronco: What do we study here?
BYU Players: THE WAY OF THE FIST SIR.
Coach Bronco: And what is that way?
BYU PLayers: STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR.
Coach Bronco: I can't hear you.
BYU Players: STRIKE FIRST. STRIKE HARD. NO MERCY SIR.

• On to the University of Virginia, which beat BYU the first week of the season. The Hoos want to be a national brand so they've marketed their ineptitude to the West Coast and invited the The Greatest Show ON Earth that's Financed by Phil Knight, the University of Oregon. (No word on whether Oregon chartered individual G4s to fly each player over the Virginia or if they slummed it with two players per jet.) Duck QB Marcus Mariota threw for 199 yards and two TDs and rushed for 122 yards and another six points. By transitive property, the University of Oregon would have run for 1,367 yards in the first half against Texas.
• A lot was mentioned about Wisconsin's blanking the first two opponents they played. No points allowed in two full games? Pretty impressive, until you find out these games were against UMass and Tennessee Tech. Next up for the Badgers is Arizona State, followed by Purdue. Now Purdue won't put up the fight of the Minutemen and whatever the heck Tennessee Tech calls themselves, but Arizona State SHOULD put some points on the board at least.
• Another horrible beating yesterday came at the hands of Brent Musberger and Kirk Herbstreit who beat the all might tar out of any last shred of credibility they had with their interview of Eminem during the Michigan Notre Dame game. Yeah Brent, I'm sure you "are looking forward to seeing Eminem's video next week."

Off Topic Prediction

This is loosely related to college football so it isn't too terribly off topic so hear me out:

Archie Mannie: quartered backed a an otherwise vanilla, non-noteworthy SEC team and stood out as a bonafide star. Moved onto to the professional ranks where he toiled as the quarterback of the 'Aints, historically one of the worst franchise teams in the NFL. Sired two sons who went onto to dominate the QB position in the pro ranks with a handful of Superbowl titles and a record breaking performance or two, including Peyton Manning's seven touchdown extravaganza last Thursday.

Let's review: Star QB on pedestrian SEC team. Pro career on even less than pedestrian pro franchise.

I'm calling it now! Blaine Gabbert's sons will DOMINATE the NFL in the 2040s!

Week #2 - Results

Overview

As a follow up to last week, Peter Pantsless' no show was, according to him, just a big boo boo and he's game to leg out the rest of the season. Kudos to Peter Pantsless and we are on track for $500 to the winner's charity!  Now to the action...

Movers and Shakers

There were six off games this week so we all should have performened better and we did. No player scored less than double digit points. BK All Day followed a servicable Week #1 with a Week #2 best 15 points to take the overall lead at 27.  He jumped six spots in the rankings as a result! Fat Little Girfriends slowed his roll a bit but his Week #1 best performance carried him to hold onto second place.

Peter Pantless spotted the field a full week by skipping Week #1. He is still dead last but not by much, thanks to two consecutive paltry weeks by the 19th placed player - what a sucker that guy mus....wait, that's me. Big drops this week were experienced by Ver1010 and Augusta Day Strippers who each dropped six spots in the rankings with Ver1010 dropping from 10th to 16th and Augusta  Day Strippers dropping from 3rd to 9th.

Best Pick Award

Clear winner here is Boardwalk Empire since he was the only player to take San Jose to cover Stanford in the Cardinal's season opener. Honorable mention to BK All Day and Boardwalk Empire (Again!) for BYU which not only covered on Mack Brown's hapless Longhorn squad but actually beat the pants off of them.

Worst Pick Award

SUCFP and Augusta Day Strippers took UT San Antonio straight up over Texas A&M. They can be forgiven since Yahoo! listed San Antonio as the favorite for some reason - still READ THE FINE PRINT PEOPLE!

Stat of the Week

50.8% - That's our collective batting average through Week #2. And that's with a boatload of gimme games.

Special Announcement

As you veteran's know, BUCFP has been a long standing community and I've come to know many of you outside of the scope of our pool. Many of us in here have known each other well over a decade through this affiliation. It is with that I am sad to report that our rookie player, RastaZombies - Walking Dreads dealt with a loss in his family this week. His name is Tim and his father passed away mid-week. His father was a WWII vet and from what I've read via Tim's facebook updates, an outstanding man. Please keep your thoughts and prayers with Tim and his family.

Week #1 - RESULTS

Overview

Well, we started the weekend with 20 registered players, 19 of whom chose to play. Not sure what Peter Pantsless' long term goals will be but we'll see after he responds to press inquiries. In either event, our little gathering will result in either $475 or $500 to a worthy designated charity. I'm very excited about this season!

Movers and Shakers

Well, no one really "moved" since this was the first week, but there were definitely some "shakers". Starting with Fat Little Girlfriends, a long time player residing in Gainesville. Not only did his beloved PSU Nittany Lions pull off the kicker friendly win against the 'Cuse, but he also blazed into BUCFP 2013 with a week's best 15 picks out of 20! Not shabby! Nipping at his heals is the cleverly named SUCFP who brought her self-deprecating practice to the fore with a 14 point performance to hold second place all by her lonesome. At third place sits three players, two veterans and our lone rookie. Eagles and Augusta DayStrippers clocked in with 13 in a nice opening salvo to add to their BUCFP foibles. RastaZombies-Walking Dread (jeez what a mouthful), our newbie opened strong - will he keep it up? He's an odd combo of Hokie and BullDawg fan (he's a Hokie that spent $$$ in Athens, GA for his daughter) - he had a bad weekend otherwise. At the opposite end of the spectrum, besides PEter Pantsless' goose-egg sits yours truly. Unlike years past when I came guns a-blazing (who can forget my 97% first week in 2005? - not me!), I'm going on a slow roll.

Best Pick Award

Fat Little Girlfriends, SUCFP, and Boardwalk Empire for Buffalo covering Ohio State

Worst Pick Award

All of us for Oregon State. RastaZombies-Walking Dread and Boardwalk Empire for TCU.

Stat of the Week

0 - number of weeks we went without a player not making picks!

Week #1 - NCAA Ruminations: Norm Style

CHEERS IS ON ON-DEMAND

Yes, you read that correctly. Julie and I discovered that Cheers is available on-demand. We took full advantage until the two child coughing hurricane of the infant September 2013 struck. That said, Cheers is arguably the best sitcom of all-time (yes, it gives Seinfeld and All in the Family a run for the money). So, in celebration, I give you, NCAA Ruminations for the first week of the college football season - Norm Style!

Woody, "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" Norm, "It's a dog eat dog world, Woody & I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear."

Frank Beamer was the architect of Beamerball, the wholly aggressive brand of defense and special teams that produced touchdowns when the offense couldn't. When he really had it clicking though, VT had plenty of offense - people like Michael Vick, Bryan Randall, and a few others could move the ball. Nowadays, a solid offensive performance by the Hokies is as rare a sighting as a disciplinary suspension on an Urban Meyer football team. The drop in the Hokie's win production isn't JUST that the offense is moribund. It's also that the thing we knew of as Beamerball no longer exists. This from the man that almost single-handedly convinced college football coaches that they might want to give a little P time to special teams. One guy that got that message was Nick Saban - who seemed to struggle with teaching the master...

Saban: "I can't even look at you anymore."

Christian Jones, of Bama, scored on a punt return, a kick-off return, and a reception. (Vegas had his line at -9 so he covered!) That kind of thing was unfathomable back in the day. Nowadays, just another drop in the bucket full of Hokie pain.Knowing that the defense held up it's end of the deal (less than 100 yards on the ground for the Tide), it's tough thinking that this game could have been so much closer - not that anyone was really expecting a win. A lot of people, including our own rookie player RASTAZOMBIES-WALKING DREADS, interpreted Frank Beamer's somewhat subdued demeanor as a sign that retirement should not be too far off. Not that unimaginable really.

Sam, "What's new Normie?" Norm, "Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach and they're demanding beer."

I'm having a hard time deciding if I disdain Johnny Manziel because of his cocky ways or if I love him because he makes the NCAA look like the collection of toothless buffoons that they are. In weighing all the evidence, I'm going to stick with loving the guy. Not only does he give a perpetual bird to the NCAA powers that be, but he also seems to have his act together both on and off the field:

Hard to argue with success

Sam, "What'll you have Normie?"Norm, "Well, I'm in a gambling mood Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever comes out of that tap."

Did anyone notice that one SEC struggled to be, well, SEC-like? The University of Kentucky Wildcats, with its newly minted coach, Mark Stoops (he ain't no Bob), were put down by their in-state rival Loui...no wait, WESTERN KENTUCKY. The Wildcats were handled and the Hilltoppers offense lit them up. THe architect of that Western Kentucky offense? Non other than....

MY MAN! Bobby P.

Coach, "Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?"Norm, "Like a baby treats a diaper."

Georgia WR Malcolm Mitchell (#26) tore his ACL and is out for the season. The injury was sustained when he chest bumped his teammate, Todd Gurley. He doesn't fall immediately afterwards but the damage was done.

Woody, "How's it going Mr. Peterson?" Norm, "Poor."Woody, "I'm sorry to hear that." Norm, "No, I mean pour."

Clemson's wunderkind offensive coordinator Chad Morris took the opportunity of his team's fantastic opening season win against Georgia with this nugget of professionalism: ''We can play faster. Tajh slowed us down a whole bunch. That was some of our biggest downfalls...' Really, your historically washrag team took down a top five SEC team and you want to play the "we could have been better" game. Let's look at Boyd's numbers real quick - 

18 for 30, 270 yards, 3 TDs and no INTs. PLUS 42 yards and 2 more touch downs on the ground. 

How 'bout easing up a shade Vince Lombardi?
Throw the kid under the bus why don't you?

Sam, "What's going down, Normie?"Norm, "My butt cheeks on that bar stool."

Speaking of going down? How about going down to slow Clemson's roll?!?!

Woody, "Hey Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you."Norm, "I know, if she calls, I'm not here."


I guess I have to finally relent and call the old D1AA the "FCS", whatever that stands for - seriously, I refuse to look it up. Well, I have to relent because I must talk about a LOT of FCS teams that cleaned house on the big boys! Don't you little fellas know how to be good guests? Take your check and your pummelling and hurried along now! What's this?
North Dakota State beat Kansas State, last year's Big 12 champ.
McNeese State beat South Florida like a drum
Towson beat UConn, who might be missing Skip holtz, finally.
Northern Iowa knocked off Iowa State (Way to represent Big 12!)
and, last but certainly not least, Eastern Washington outdueled #25 Oregon State!

AND THERE WASN'T AN ACC TEAM ON THE LIST THE CHORUS REJOICED!
Seriously, this is quite a feat for the little guys considering that only once in a SEASON have more FCS teams beaten BCS teams. In reading up about the carnage I saw this little nugget too - FCS teams get 20 scholarships - BCS teams get more schollies for managers, I think.

Well that's my very quick and brief read on the first weekend of what I hope will be a magnificent season - they all are. Work calls - blech! In the meantime, because I love them so much, here are some more Normisms:

Sam, "Beer, Norm?"Norm, "Have I gotten that predictable? Good."

Woody, "What's the story Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. Let's cut to the happy ending."

Woody, "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "A flashing sign in my gut that says, 'Insert beer here.'"

Coach, "Whatcha up to Norm?"Norm, "My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall."

Sam, "How's life treating you Norm?"Norm, "Like it caught me sleeping with its wife."

Sam, "Looks like beer, Norm."Norm, "Call me Mister Lucky."

Sam, "What'd you like Normie?"Norm, "A reason to live. Give me another beer."

Sam, "What's shaking Norm?"Norm, "All four cheeks & a couple of chins."

Norm, "Women. Can't live with 'em....pass the beer nuts."

Woody, "Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "Alright, but stop me at one....make that one-thirty."

Sam, "What's the story Norm?"Norm, "Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."

Woody, "What's going on Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson? A beer please, Woody."

Woody, "Can I pour you a beer Mr. Peterson?"Norm, "A little early isn't it, Woody?"

Woody, "For a beer?"Norm, "No, for stupid questions."